i want to talk to you, what can i say to you?

things in rhyme

make so much more sense

if only because

they're not quite so dense

shakespeare discovered

that poetry made love

and that to woo his lady

his writing have that extra shove

oh to be a shakespeare

a cassinova with words

to dream and to whittle

pictures in the minds of people that heard

then it was night

moon showed her face

i let my heart run out of sight

round the corner of time and space

falling again

falling into the stardust

that trails right behind you

you say you'll always be here

but you walked towards the sun

so i'm falling into your shadow instead

waiting for it to be my turn to shine

and i miss you

miss what we never had

the picture of love i once drew

burned away with the good and the bad

staring at the moon, the only light around at midnight-ish in the country, it smells so good at this time.  i almost want to tip back my head and howl.

ANYWAY... i have nothing more to say.  goodnight!

'follow you heart, live your dreams, and die tomorrow'

that's some of the best advice i've ever been given.  sadly, i just don't seem to have the guts to follow it! 

i was asked last night, by my mother (who else), 'do you jsut act tough or are you really that way'.  i assured her that that's just the way i am. she wants to know why. in comparisin to her or to my older sister (19) i'm literally 'hard'... i never saw it that way.  i'm not 'hard', far from it.  if my own family sees me as 'hard' or 'tough', how do everyone else see me? 

i mean, inside, all i am is lost, lonely, and honestly, afraid.  i want someone to protect me, to love me for who i am, not who i seem to be. 

so, am i going to live my dreams?  i plan on it.  a year and a half from now, i'm home-free.  me and my guitar, a christian college where i can study music... sounds great eih. 

following my heart?  well, i can imagine the mess that would make.  tell the guy i love to bits i want more then just a friendship, either way he could react i'd lose more then jsut a few friends, and on top of that, i'm always looked at as a 'sister' kinda friend, nothing more.  tis not like i'm your average barbie doll (thank God). if i followed my heart i would end up completely alone, pennyless, and with the cops after me, c/o my mother and sister.

on dying, i don't intend to die yet, not for a good few years.  i haven't 'lived my dreams or followed my heart'  Enough yet!

so, any thoughts for a guitarded girl?

:P ok, i woke up this morning to the sound of a smelly big animal.  is was the farmer chasing his sheep out of my back yard :lol:  i think i'd better not mention names.

i think if i knew how to hollar as well as he does, people might actualy listen to me.  the fact that his working dogs don't listen to him is beside the point. 

so, here's a song i'm currently working on.  feel free to leave comments and suggestions on it.

vs:  Em   C   G  Am Em C G  Am  G  C
ch.  Em   C    G    Am   C   G   C   G   Am  Em  C   G

the prayer of a child
is lost in the wind
cries to the world
drift ont he winter storms
peace be still has faded
to dust and to ashes

ch.
and i can hear you screaming
way beyond
the world of myths and dreaming
the call in your heart
sings the tune to mine
live so far apart
forever and ever no more tonight

like the faith of a child
with innocence stolen
and like the love
of a man deserted
peace be still has faded to dust and to ashes

"her friends don't understand her, she's a question without answers, who feels
like falling apart. She knows, she's so much more than worthless, but she needs to find her
purpose"

wow.  what a day.  the above lyric is from "this is a call" by Thousand Foot Krutch, a band i listen to regularly. it finishes saying 'show me what this life is all about'. how many people can identify with that?  really?  who doesn't question reality? 

ok, on to other things. how do i get out of this cycle?  falling for the wrong guy, the guy who'd never go for me?  why is it that i can offer advice to other people, my mates ask me for it all the time, and the advice i end up giving works for them, but i can't seem to get my own life in order?  where do i go for advice when i need it?  ok, so i go to my room, with my guitar, and play it till i can't anymroe cuz my fingers are nearly bleeding and i can't see anymore, then i write lyrics and poetry, anything, and sometimes, just lie on my bed, trying not to think.  it works really well, keeps me from cutting or other things. 

on other matters.  counsellors.  my mother, whome loveth me dearly, overly, has wanted me to go to a counsellor for other things, has got no idea what's going on, cuz if i give her an inkling, well, she'll absolutely freak and hit the roof. 

was sitting in the passenger seat of the car today, my mother driving, was really foggy.  about 7 p.m... we're headed for an intersection, she's not slowing down.  i'm pointing out to her that the intersection's there.  she doesn't slow down.  all of a sudden she realizes that we're in the middle of the road and there's a logging truck headed towards us going at about 100kph, and what does she do?  she brakes... in the middle of the highway.  in front of the truck. thank god the wheels slipped on the tarseal.  she freaked out, panice3d, sat and cried for a while, had no idea the intersection was coming up, wasn't paying attention and all that, and i'm thinking, so there was this truck headed for my head... had it hit us, she'd have survived it, but the full impact would have been on my side.  why aren't i upset?  panicing?  even... feeling?   

ok, so this is the first entry in this blog/diary/place to post insane ramblings that make no sense to anyone, let alone me. 

i haven't cut for 2 months now!  much as i've wanted to, i haven't.  i tried to talk to my mom about it, but that just kinda freaked her out to say the least.  she asked me why tho, doesn't it hurt?

yeah, it hurts.  it hurts like hades, that's the point.  it's kind of like a numb pain tho, and it feel, that's the whole point.  the blood is beside the point, sometimes it's like watching a freeking movie;  everything fades.  which is also the point. 

when it feels like nothing matters, no one understands, and life is just... un-life-like, cutting is like an addiction.  it's the wrong answer, it's no answer, but it's like a drug in a way. 

dang, since then, i've gotten to know some really amazing people (y'all know who you are!)